2017: Year of the Coarse Corn Cob

At the rate of sounding indelicate, I’m going to phrase the next couple paragraphs as structurally-sound and innuendo-laden as I can. Gird yourselves as I discuss… duh, duh, duuuuhhhhh… the year of the Coarse Corn Cob.

“Capital,” you say.

Eh?

“Letters,” you say.

Indeed, friends, this year deserves some alternative language (and horrifying visuals) as much as it deserves honesty, integrity, and a slew of other words we haven’t seen being used in speech or action. My year started out with big plans, rocket-to-the-moon size plans. I wanted to write X (being a number) of books, submit to agents/publishers, and get on to the next part of my 5-year plan.

Then the Coarse Corn Cob appeared and started it’s unholy pursuit to choke me on dry, kernels and wiry silk. Everyone thought I was joking, making up stories, and speaking the ridiculous rhetoric of the Negative Nancy. Then the Coarse Corn Cob came for them, their family members, their pets, computers, cars, and bank accounts. Soon everyone had crusty silks in their teeth and a bad taste in their mouth.

Hopes and dreams were crushed, jaws left hanging open and in pain. The battle became real for so many. The Coarse Corn Cob, relentless and thick, tried to stuff itself where the sun don’t shine and soak up any moisture remaining, in an effort to spread its putrid seed across the globe.

While I battled, attempting to pry said cob from my over-extended maw, I discovered that I need not fall victim. I spoke with over would-be victims who fought back and found regurgitation a form of defense. There were other methods to wrench control over the Coarse Corn Cob, to make oneself an uninhabitable environment for the cob to sprout spawn.

Such survival required patience, determination, planning, and strength of the mind and body. None of these are easy when being attacked in such a brutal, invasive manner. While the war is not over, I’m slowly winning battles, taking back control, and granting my face much-needed moisturization and relaxation.

So remember this, dear reader: Only you can stop deep cob pummeling and it’s only a matter of time before we shove 2017 Coarse one back in the dark hole it belongs in.

 

Shameless plug: 

Landra recently released a book. The second in The Raven series called The Raven Who Caught The Canary. If you like action-adventure/speculative fiction with some romance, this book might be for you. If you don’t appreciate inter-racial romance or people fighting Nazis, stay away. Check it out at all major ebook retailers. Don’t like searching for stuff? Neither does, Landra. So, she posted them below. To the right, you can see her pretty cover.

Check it out at all major ebook retailers. Don’t like searching for stuff? Neither does, Landra. So, she posted them below. To the right, you can see her pretty cover. Psst, there are more books coming in The Raven series, more Nazis getting their butts handed to them in an alternate historical timeline.

Amazon | Barnes and Noble | Google Play | iTunes | Kobo | Smashwords

About Landra Graf

Landra Graf consumes at least one book a day and has always been a sucker for stories where true love conquers all. She believes in the power of the written word, and the joy such words can bring. In between spending time with her family and having book adventures, she writes romance with the goal of giving everyone, fictional or not, their own happily ever after.

Spicing up Valentine’s Day via Landra Graf

First up, thank you to Lori Sizemore for letting me high jack her posting day to share my new releases here on Heart-Shaped Glasses.

It’s only 7 days until what commercialism has hailed as the most romantic day of the year. As for myself, being aSTG VDay Cover romance author, I know there are 364 other days where romance can blossom as well. Regardless, this month is special for me as I have not one, but two releases for February. Both are short stories, but they continue in the contemporary erotic romance universe I created with my first release, What You Need.  I’ll admit I tend to be drawn to spicy stories and I love that I’ve got offerings perfect for this romantic holiday.

What You Lost, is part of the Sexy To Go anthology series. This story got lucky inclusion in their Valentine’s edition and was incredibly fun to write because I love  the ‘reunited and it feels so good trope’. Here’s the short blurb: After being ditched by her fiancé for another woman, Clementine is done with relationships, but love isn’t done with her. Ready to take a chance at winning the woman he’d thought he lost, Shawn is going to prove to Clem they belong together. Only problem, he’s her brother’s best friend.

Other stories in the anthology cover Paranormal Romance, Contemporary Romance, and Historical Romance. Sexy to Go Valentine’s Day edition is available at Amazon Universal Link ~ B&N ~ ARe ~ iTunes ~ Kobo for only $0.99 for a limited time.

My second story is set to release mid-February, and has such a delectable cover. No links or anything yet, but I LG_What You Crave_SMcan share the blurb:

Sigmund Bermudez has spent the last year out of the BDSM scene, mourning his father,and rebuilding the family business. When he loses a bet to his bodyguard that Madame Eve won’t locate a woman who’s down with his type of kink, he finds himself committed to a date he’s not sure he’ll enjoy.

Lauren Elser has heard about kinky escapades from one of her more challenging patients, and never taken in part in one. When offered a chance to explore this undiscovered side of herself courtesy of 1Night Stand she jumps at it.

Neither of them are prepared for the emotional roller coaster that comes with their date, and soon shibari bondage play turns into so much more. The only problem is Sig’s not ready to open up and Lauren doesn’t want to be sued again. If they work past the issues there’s a world of wonder in store.

Author Bio: Landra Graf has been crafting stories since the tender age of too-young-to-watch-rated-R. When she finally got old enough for adult material, she believed adult meant anything besides the smexy. Then she discovered erotic romance. Since then it’s been a journey down a rabbit hole. Landra writes erotic romance and historical erotic romance, among other less smexy offerings. Find Landra at her website, Facebook, Twitter, and on Pinterest

About Lori Sizemore

Lover of nail polish, pens, her Kindle, and fresh coffee. She likes romance filled with messy, real characters and lots of snarky banter. Reading was (and still is!) her BFF; when she discovered writing she fell in love. Come for the snark. Stay for the story.

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