I’m home with a stomach virus tonight, so my bitterness is your gain.
1. It lets men off the hook 363 days of the year to NOT be romantic.
The other day is your anniversary…if you’re lucky. Why would anyone only want to be treated like a special lady-friend once a year? I mean, men get Super Bowl Sunday. They get to blow things up on Independence Day. And, St. Patrick’s Day? All that green beer makes it clearly a male holiday. And also any other day of the year, when they get lucky for no reason whatsoever except maybe they’re cute in those boxers.
2. It’s a holiday designed specifically to make single people feel like losers.
I’ve been married eighteen years, but every Valentine’s Day prior to meeting my husband? Alone. It’s horrific. All the coupled people, mooning over one another, holding hands, kissing face, and you’re just standing there, wishing that you were lovable. That kind of self-esteem crushing shouldn’t even be legal.
3. Sampler boxes of candy.
Who told men this was a good idea? I have a favorite. You should know it. What am I supposed to do with all the chocolates I bite into, hate, and put back? Donate them to charity?
4. Stuffed animals for grown women who would prefer books.
I have three daughters. Stuffed animals are the space-hogging bane of my existence. If you bring me one, what’s a polite amount of time to wait before I chuck it into the garbage?
5. Seven hundred people, all trying to get into the same restaurant, at the same time.
I live in the country, so there’s like three nice restaurants, and everyone in three counties has to take their sweetie there. I imagine that in cities, while they have more restaurants, more people equals the exact same problem. Can’t we just go through the McDonald’s drive-thru and call it a day?
6. Everyone at work is comparing their flowers to yours. And you just lost in the relationship wars.
I have forbidden my husband to spend $200 on flowers that will cost $50 in a week. But, I’ve seen this go on. The delivery guys come all day. They bring bigger and more elaborate arrangements. You can practically see the women counting the blooms, measuring the height, and then smiling triumphantly. Go, you. Good luck paying your car payment this month.
7. The build up to “the most romantic day of the year” pretty much assures you’ll be disappointed.
I’ve never met a telepathic man. Between dinner, sweets, jewelry, flowers, romantic song choices for later in the evening, or that non-traditional gift you’d rather have, it will not live up to the expectations a thousand commercials have created in your head.
In all fairness to my own husband, I don’t really (obviously) buy into V-Day. He buys my girls something special, which is sweeter to me than a diamond ring ever could be. Still, on February 14th, I’ll just be over in the corner, conscientiously objecting.
Do you love Valentine’s Day or wish is it would fade into obscurity, like (real holidays, seriously) Toothache Day and World Egg Day?