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Guest Post — Misty Dietz

Mars vs. Venus: Who’s feelin’ the love?

Happy weekend, everyone! I was without my Valentine for the first time in fifteen years yesterday, but frankly, I can take or leave the holiday. The noisy restaurants, the guilt-motivated flower buying, the obligatory boxes of chocolates that only have three flavors I actually like…meh.

But of course when my husband offers to take me out, I never refuse! Ha!

loveWhatever your feelings about Valentine’s day, however, let’s have some fun and dish about what really defines relationship happiness. Based on a super scientific poll that I conducted on Facebook recently (*snort*), I think I have the elusive answer, people!

The poll was very simple. I asked my Facebook buddies to fill in the blank: “I feel love when my partner….” Then I asked them to tell me how long they’d been in that relationship so I could see if there was any correlation between any of the answers. Here’s a sample of the responses I received.

I feel loved when my partner…

  • brings me coffee in the morning  (20 yrs, 2 mo, 2 secs) <<<SECONDS, they gave me SECONDS! See, I said it was scientific! LOL
  • cleans the kitchen/house while I work (43 yrs 7 mos 5 sec)
  • actually notices when something is wrong and does something unexpected for me that I was dreading doing myself! (22 yrs, 7 months)
  • leaves me notes in unexpected places (1 year, 2 months, 33 sec)
  • takes over minor housework details so I can keep on writing (10 years, 8 months and 28 days)
  • closes the door and kisses me against the wall (19 yrs, 360 days) <<<Whoa, this guy ought to teach seminars, right?!
  • our eyes meet and I know we are sharing a memory, an inside joke, or an emotional connection with an intimacy I’ll never have with another person. (34 years, 4 months, and 9 days) <<< Cue the sighs :)
  • offers advice to help me solve a problem where he has no stake in the outcome. (19 years)
  • treats my 5 year old daughter like his own. (1 year, 9 months and 1 week)
  • makes me laugh, calls me by my pet name, and does things like get my car detailed—just because. (16 years, 10 months, 2 days, 40 seconds)
  • has my coffee ready to go in the morning, or when he sneaks up behind me and kisses my neck (together for a little over 3 years, married for 2 but he was my middle school sweetheart so 25 plus year

Interesting, huh? No matter how long the couple had been together, not once did anyone mention flowers or trips or jewelry or shopping of any sort. Let that sink in for a moment.

What does all this tell us?

It’s so simple, really. What makes us most happy in our closest relationships are the little things. The mundane, everyday stuff of life that we do for each other that quietly—and often silently—demonstrates our commitment to one another. Things that make us get through our days easier. The little touch points that make us feel connected, and like we have someone in our corner no matter what the world chooses to dole out.

The key is to initiate a conversation with your love about what those little things are because, not surprisingly, they’re different for each of us. When I asked my guy what I do that makes him feel loved, he mentioned putting technology away and spending undistracted time together. Spending time together in nature is also important to him.

Such simple requests…and good reminders. I mean, I knew all that about him, but it’s been quite a while since I’ve consciously thought about it, and then put that knowledge to productive, happy use. Its simplicity is very humbling—and encouraging—if you ask me.

Next, I asked my children the same question because I wanted to know what touched them and made them feel closer to me. It was a great conversation as we cuddled together in bed. Their answers were very basic and also boiled down to simply spending time together. They never once mentioned getting new toys or electronics.

So what do you think? Have you asked the important people in your life what specifically makes them feel loved? What makes you feel loved by your partner, and have shared that lately? 

~*~*~

Misty18bMisty’s love affair with words started in middle school with moody stories set in exotic locales she knew nothing about. In college, her boy-angst erupted in disturbing reams of poetry. After grad school, the writing went into hibernation until she found her own happily-ever-after with an ultra linear man who is the long-suffering counter-balance to her zig-zagging ways. Now, she spends her days writing sexy, adrenaline-fueled stories, enjoying family and friends, and praying her children don’t come home with math homework.

HSGlasses is delighted to have Misty on the blog today. :) A great writer with fabulous stories to tell. You can find her online….

HOME ~*~Facebook~*~Twitter

And for those interested in a little peak at her latest book, Come Hell or High Desire….

Her fingernails suddenly raked at her skull. “Lord! I almost forgot. We have to go back to Ann’s. She has a diary!”

He swerved into an empty parking lot and swiveled to face her, blood pounding in his ears. “What are you talking about?”

“Ann keeps a diary. We have to find it.”

“You’re just telling me this now? You should have goddamn said something right away!”

“Don’t you dare curse at me like that, you seismic jackass!”

CHOHD smallHe had to get out. He flung the truck door open and strode onto the cracked asphalt. Her door slammed shut moments later, and within seconds she was wagging a finger in his face. “And don’t you walk away from me, either!”

“Then don’t be such a damn shrew.”

Color flooded over her cheekbones seconds before she punched him in the gut. Hard. An ancient fire lit up his nerve circuits and adrenaline had him widening his stance. His heart gunned.

His groin tightened.

And she was still shrill.

“I’m not a shrew! How am I supposed to act in a situation like this? You think I’m enjoying this? I hate it! But unfortunately I have a conscience which would haunt me for the rest of my life if I don’t follow this through until we have some answers. You came to me and wanted to rule out the church first. Then with everything that happened, I forgot about the diary until right now. That clear enough for you, you—”

Clear enough, honey.

He vised her head between his palms and kissed her. He hadn’t meant to, but the moment her mouth opened to his, he was lost. Not breaking contact with her mouth, he wrapped one arm around her, his hand splaying across her ass, locking her hips against him. Her hands were in his hair, her hips grinding, driving him crazy. They feasted on each other’s mouth, tongues dueling, daring, seeking. He felt her fingers between their bodies, slipping underneath the waistband of his jeans, pulling at the hem of his shirt. Her fingernail scraped his abs and he groaned. She leaned away from his mouth, her eyes dead sexy. Liquid brown. He was gonna—

A car horn blew, jerking him back to life. Back to the parking lot. He looked over to see a man in a black minivan at a stoplight giving them the thumbs up. He honked twice more, waved, and

Sloane burst into a fit of laughter that quickly dissolved into tears. drove on.

And that clinched it. He’d woken up this morning in some creepy-assed Twilight Zone.

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About Beth Rhodes

Beth jumps into life with both feet...or head first. Impulsive and spontaneous to a T, she joined Passionate Critters and never looked back. She loves writing and reading, which made this wonderful group of woman a perfect match for her.
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22 Responses to Guest Post — Misty Dietz

  1. Molly McLain says:

    Morning, Misty! This is a GREAT blog post! I love the feedback from your FB survey and concur wholeheartedly. Not that long ago, my husband (married 12 years, together 17 yrs, 2 mos, 37 secs lol) made a comment that I pet/touch the dog more than I do him. Yikes…not because I didn’t realize I did this (I did), but because I didn’t realize it bothered him so much. So, yes, sometimes it is the little things that mean the most. The latest for me was my hubby going to pay the orthodontist bill the other day. I was absolutely elated and it totally made my day. So silly, but so meaningful.

    Also…your book looks awesome! I am IN LOVE with your cover! :D Can’t wait to read it!

    • Misty Dietz says:

      Hey Molly, thanks for chiming in! My own husband commented a few years ago that he wished I’d touch him as much as I used to when we were dating. Shortly thereafter I learned about a book called “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, which details 5 different ways each of us uniquely feels most loved. I learned that my husband speaks his love via “physical touch” – which didn’t really surprise me, but to think about it consciously made me start to behave toward him a way that was more validating to our relationship for him. Does that make sense? Sounds like your husband might speak the same love language. :)

      And yes, him paying your bill – I totally get that! I feel so happy and loved when my husband fills up my suburban with gas – not just because it’s almost a hundred dollars, but because I don’t have to stand in the cold to do it, too! ;)

      Thanks for the cover love– his name is Zack and I’ll share! xo

  2. Misty Dietz says:

    Good morning and a BIG thank you to the HSG babes for having me as a guest on this awesome blog today! I’ll be riding herd on my son’s homework and writing in between, but I’ll pop in often because I do love to talk – usually too much! LOL xo

  3. Fiona Kelley says:

    I’m so NOT a fan of Valentine’s Day. Just think people should focus on showing their love year round and not just on one day. That being said, this single gal can only ask her family what makes them feel loved. The response was universal – when I cook for them they feel loved.

    • Misty Dietz says:

      I hear you, Fiona! Did you see that V-Day meme going around: “Happy Buy Me Stuff or I’ll Make Your Life a Living Hell Day” – Hilarious!

      Cooking for people is one of the ways I express my love, too. We have a saying in our house, “come hungry, leave full, if you don’t it’s your own damn fault.” Haha!

      All funny business aside, I totally agree with you that showing love year round is so key to happiness in ANY relationship. xo

      • Fiona Kelley says:

        I missed that meme. But I love the saying around your house (may have to borrow that one if you don’t mind at least until I come up with one on my own).

        I’ve come to the conclusion that businesses got together to plot and scheme to help boost the post holiday spending lull. :) Marketing at it’s finest.

        • Misty Dietz says:

          I have the same WTF response when I see Christmas trees and other propaganda in stores BEFORE HALLOWEEN. I mean, really? Ridiculous.

          And by all means, use the expression all you want! ;)

  4. Michelle M. says:

    Hi Misty and HSG Babes,
    One of the reasons I enjoy contemporary romances, is because they reflect the “super scientific facts” about what we consider “romantic.” My favorite heroines don’t “need” a partner, they CHOOSE to have one, once the heroes show themselves worthy of being in relationship with them.

    Flowers, chocolates and champagne are lovely, but boy do I love it when Hubby takes out the trash, or does other menial tasks around the house. He does these things, not because I can’t do them, but because he knows I hate to do them. THAT is true romance and earns him a “back scratch,” or my blessing when he wants to do “boy things,” each and every time.

    One of the best things that happened in our marriage was my being laid off a few years ago. It immediately changed how we interacted with each other, because we could no longer rely on money for entertainment. We learned that we a) actually enjoy each other’s company as friends and b) money was clouding up what was really important – the connectedness, the physical state of BEING with each other.

    We never reverted back and to this day only focus on giving each other funny cards for the holidays. I wish the hype, and associated guilt, over Valentine’s Day would just go away. Celebrate relationships and friendships, sure – but do it on a budget. All year round.

    Hubby – this does not mean you need to stop your impromptu “gifts” of Godiva. Ever.

    Love, peace and soul grease,
    Michelle

    • Misty Dietz says:

      Aaaand, this is why I love you, Michelle. You have this remarkable gift for articulating your core values with intelligence, relatability, and kindness.

      Great addition to the conversation regarding the role of money. My husband and I have been very conservative with our money to plan for our future and our kids’ education, almost to the point that it’s hard for us to actually spend it on fun things like vacations and presents. I know we need to find some kind of happy medium between living for now while still planning for the future, but like you intimated, the benefit of us not relying on money to entertain ourselves is that we’ve grown content with just being together doing simple things. I haven’t looked at it quite like that before, so thanks!

      Of course this doesn’t mean I wouldn’t love a pretty pair of diamond earrings some day, but…yeah, for now, I’m grateful for what we’ve — like you and Mr. M — have built with each other. xoxo

  5. Fabulous post, Misty! So many little things make me feel loved (and appreciated) by my hubby. Probably the biggest one recently was when I ran a marathon and he was there to run the last 10k with me–they’re the hardest and the fact that he chose to do this and supported me meant so much. We didn’t even talk much (exhaustion!) but having him run beside me was a total metaphor for our relationship. It is definitely my idea of “real life romance” :)

    • Misty Dietz says:

      Oh, wow, Rachael, that is so beautiful! A profound metaphor for your relationship, for sure. That is sooo awesome. He’s a keeper no doubt! Kudos to both of you for keeping your love front and center – I’m sure it’s inspiring for so many others around you. I love that because I think the world needs more happy, realistic marriage models.

      Thanks for stopping by and showing your support! xoxo

  6. Vonnie Davis says:

    Lovely post, Misty. I baked my hubs his favorite cake for Valentines Day because I know how much he loves it. He only ate one piece because he knows how much I worry about his diabetes. A win-win. He gave me… O.O … another win-win. Giving each other little treats, spending time together, touching, whispered words all deepen a relationship. You touched on a lot of universal truths here, hon.

    • Misty Dietz says:

      V! You inspire me–and usually crack me up!–with every word. You and Calvin have such a wonderful love story. I love that you brought up the point about knowing what is important to each other (your worry about his diabetes) and respecting that even if there’s a bit of self-sacrifice that goes with it. That’s love that stands the test of time. Big hugs! xoxo

  7. Beth Rhodes says:

    This might sound ridiculous, but after 5 kids, it makes me feel good [notice I didn't say loved], when my hubby actually comes to me for nookie. Makes me feel wanted when I know I’m not… perfect anymore.

    Now, loved is a different story. I feel love when my husband… cleans up for me, defends me against crazy teenagers, and shares an inside joke with me. Actually, as sappy as this sounds, he’s very good at loving me. He fixes my tires–where do all those nails in the road come from?!

    :D

    • Misty Dietz says:

      Yes, Beth! There is so much out there that conspires to make us feel bad about our less-than-perfect bodies, but the love and attention of a good partner is so healing. You are so lucky to have a man who seems to know how–and is happy–to take care of your needs! And I love the whole concept of husband and wife as a united front with teenagers! Awesome. :)

  8. Jennifer Shirk says:

    I love this! So true that it’s not about the flowers or candy. I love the little unasked for things my hubby does for me. Like when it snows and he automatically cleans off my car just in case I need to go somewhere. :)

  9. Angela Adams says:

    My grandmother always said “it’s the little things that count.”

  10. Josie Matthews says:

    Hey favorite girl! Just love this post. Asked Mr. M. what makes him feel loved?…after repeating the question back to me three times (his stall tactic…) He said, ‘why do you try to make me think so much?’ GAH! What a male!
    He may not be good with words or emotions but I know my man like the back of my hand…He feels love when Im
    working along side him. Whether it be building, renovating, raking, shoveling…anything that keeps my attention on him! Such a big fat man-baby…just love him!
    Love you! Josie

    • Misty Dietz says:

      And you knowing him that well is what’s really important, Josie! Sounds like you guys have each other all figured out – and at that point, if you’re still in love, it’s a match made in Heaven!

      “Big fat man-baby” – LMAO!

      Love you more! xo

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