2017: Year of the Coarse Corn Cob

At the rate of sounding indelicate, I’m going to phrase the next couple paragraphs as structurally-sound and innuendo-laden as I can. Gird yourselves as I discuss… duh, duh, duuuuhhhhh… the year of the Coarse Corn Cob.

“Capital,” you say.

Eh?

“Letters,” you say.

Indeed, friends, this year deserves some alternative language (and horrifying visuals) as much as it deserves honesty, integrity, and a slew of other words we haven’t seen being used in speech or action. My year started out with big plans, rocket-to-the-moon size plans. I wanted to write X (being a number) of books, submit to agents/publishers, and get on to the next part of my 5-year plan.

Then the Coarse Corn Cob appeared and started it’s unholy pursuit to choke me on dry, kernels and wiry silk. Everyone thought I was joking, making up stories, and speaking the ridiculous rhetoric of the Negative Nancy. Then the Coarse Corn Cob came for them, their family members, their pets, computers, cars, and bank accounts. Soon everyone had crusty silks in their teeth and a bad taste in their mouth.

Hopes and dreams were crushed, jaws left hanging open and in pain. The battle became real for so many. The Coarse Corn Cob, relentless and thick, tried to stuff itself where the sun don’t shine and soak up any moisture remaining, in an effort to spread its putrid seed across the globe.

While I battled, attempting to pry said cob from my over-extended maw, I discovered that I need not fall victim. I spoke with over would-be victims who fought back and found regurgitation a form of defense. There were other methods to wrench control over the Coarse Corn Cob, to make oneself an uninhabitable environment for the cob to sprout spawn.

Such survival required patience, determination, planning, and strength of the mind and body. None of these are easy when being attacked in such a brutal, invasive manner. While the war is not over, I’m slowly winning battles, taking back control, and granting my face much-needed moisturization and relaxation.

So remember this, dear reader: Only you can stop deep cob pummeling and it’s only a matter of time before we shove 2017 Coarse one back in the dark hole it belongs in.

 

Shameless plug: 

Landra recently released a book. The second in The Raven series called The Raven Who Caught The Canary. If you like action-adventure/speculative fiction with some romance, this book might be for you. If you don’t appreciate inter-racial romance or people fighting Nazis, stay away. Check it out at all major ebook retailers. Don’t like searching for stuff? Neither does, Landra. So, she posted them below. To the right, you can see her pretty cover.

Check it out at all major ebook retailers. Don’t like searching for stuff? Neither does, Landra. So, she posted them below. To the right, you can see her pretty cover. Psst, there are more books coming in The Raven series, more Nazis getting their butts handed to them in an alternate historical timeline.

Amazon | Barnes and Noble | Google Play | iTunes | Kobo | Smashwords

About Landra Graf

Landra Graf consumes at least one book a day and has always been a sucker for stories where true love conquers all. She believes in the power of the written word, and the joy such words can bring. In between spending time with her family and having book adventures, she writes romance with the goal of giving everyone, fictional or not, their own happily ever after.
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